a journal of one person with manic-depressive illness

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Anxiety Blooms

No episode is an island. By that I mean, no emotional disturbance, chemical or otherwise, acts without provocation. Whether by chemical dysfunction or emotional input, there is always a trigger that sets the guns a' blazing. This is precisely why mental disorders are hard to acknowledge, diagnose and treat.

Incoming! The Anxiety Bomb. It's difficult to tell whether this is an allergic reaction to seasonal change, a genre of mania inflamed by the warmth and bloom of springtime; or if this is a lack of faith in God's plan for me as my family faces great challenges. Or both. Again, even with the knowledge and acceptance of my illness, how do I balance treatment with growth of character? Seasons of life are meant to change us and improve the ground we stand on, so how much responsibility do I take for my debilitating fears? The balance eludes me at times. So, what now?

The only peace I find lies in my surrender. I must allow the great Force of nature to take hold and bring to fruition the means and ends of my existence. I must have faith in God to survive the chaos of mortality, in the hopes of a great inheritance. Lessons are painful but they bloom into wisdom, greater faith and even ultimate joy:

2 Corinthians 12:

9. Then he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

10. Therefore, I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, I am strong.